Met God once. Dude’s funny.

You know how sometimes while walking down a street someone jumps in front of you and declares that he is God. You don’t? Well you haven’t visited my home town then. It so happened that one evening while I was returning after having ‘dinner’ with my friends that this dude emerged out of nowhere and proudly claimed, “Son, gaze upon me and thank your lucky stars for I am God!”.

I was a bit tipsy after the ‘heavy meal’ and got startled as the street was empty and I was sure that this was a robbery in progress. I tried to move aside and be on my way but he blocked me.

God: What’s the matter with you? Are you not impressed?

Me: meh!

God: A cynic eh! Well, what did you expect?

Me: Look man…with all due respect, I’m an atheist and I don’t even believe in you.

God: Yeah I heard you unsubscribed. What! The newsletters not good enough for you? (khee khee khee!!... He laughed at his own joke.)

I looked around for someone to help me but then it got even weirder. Apart from this guy, now I could also see Deepika Padukone, looking ‘lovely’. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief (yes, that was the part I had trouble believing). I vowed never again to ‘eat’ so heavily.

Me: Ok, say I believe that you are God. Why did you choose to visit me? To what fortunate deed do I owe this pleasure?

God: I heard you raving and ranting about how I was not doing a good job and how I might not even exist so I came to prove something. Go ahead ask me what you wish to know.

Me: Is that Deepika over there?

God: Really! That’s your first question and you doubt ME. Dumbass! But yeah, it’s her.

Me: Fine! Does heaven exist?

God: (pointing at Deepika) what do you think?

Me: Does hell exist?

God: Wait till morning.

Me: oh! Come on, can you give me one straight answer?

God: Nope. And if I told you, I’ll have to kill you. Haha! Get it? (Another joke)

Me: So did you write any books?

God: Nah man! I’m God, if I wrote books, what would you lazy buggers do?

Me: So how do so many religions claim that they know what you want to say?

God: I don’t know. Wikileaks probably. (hee hee hee!)

Me: So is this what you actually look like?

God: Nah! It’s just a whimsical getup. I particularly enjoy a dramatic entrance. Did you like it? Beside, you wouldn’t have been able to handle how I actually look.

Me: yeah right! Ok tell me why do people kill in your name?

God: Why do people forge a signature? Why do people aspire to be like someone else? I call them frauds.

Me: Alright! How do I end world hunger?

God: Feed more, feed less. (Applause in the background)

Me: What about global warming?

God: Feed less, fart lesser.

Me: aaaaargh!!! Stop being sarcastic for a minute, could you?

God: What! I’m just playing your game. It’s awful fun, I must admit.

Me: So what do you eat?

God: You know…sugar, spice and everything nice.

Me: What does my future hold?

God: You grow older and then get old.

Me: So what’s the most beautiful thing on earth?

God: You are!

(Oh! Stop it you…)

Me: what’s the ugliest?

God: your heart.

(F off!! Dude!)

Me: Are you here to grant me three wishes?

God: Do I look like a fuckin Genie to you?

Me: How about one?

God: No way… have you seen the rate of inflation?

Me: Coming here, what was it that you wanted to prove?

God: Ah Dammit! I don’t remember. I forgot. Hahaha! Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

Me: Even you forget stuff?

God: Yeah, sometimes. You have this notion that I’m perfect. You build up the hype. Perfect! Maybe I am, maybe not.

Me: How do I get in touch with you… you know for later?

God: Hold on I have those 1800 numbers you can call… Now where did I put my card? Bazinga punk! I appear when I wish to.

Me: Haha! Very funny! Don’t you have original jokes?

God: Look around you dumbo! It’s all a fuckin joke.

Me: Ok Ok… don’t shout! I already feel like puking. Why did I ‘eat’ so much? Anyway answer me my final question and please be direct. One question so that I can go home and sleep peacefully. Can you do that?

God: I won’t promise anything (ooh! Diplomacy) but ask away.

Me: What is the meaning of life?... I mean, what’s the whole point?

God: Hahaha… dude, dude, dude… I have been sarcastic to you for the last half an hour and you are still talking to me while all this time you could have been talking to ‘lovely’ Deepika right here. Do you really think life has a point?

Whoosh!!! The bugger vanished with Deepika.

"Huh!", I went, "guess that was pretty impressive."

(PS: The above mentioned god is imaginary (what am I saying?). He is MY god and does not affiliate to any known religion and for all the shit he pulled it could have been a devil masquerading as god.) 

Freedom of expression: A lip service

Freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of thought…blah, blah and fu**in blah!

Brilliant idea, brilliant thought,

Does it exist?

Alas! Not.

So much has been said about the above concepts that it is difficult to say more and yet it always seems that more needs to said. What does the constitution say? What does the UN charter say? What does common sense say? Everyone knows that. The idea has been thrown around so much that each of us take it for granted as understood. I would however, not delve into what freedom of speech and expression means but would like to speak about the ways in which it is curtailed in broader terms.

           

            State chooses to ‘act’: When we talk about curtailment of suck kind of freedom, examples of authoritarian regimes come to mind. Some middle-eastern countries, China, North Korea etc. to some extent ‘actively’ curtail free speech for various purposes. There lacks a constitutional guarantee to oppose such curbing measures and therefore the freedom is suppressed ‘overtly’, and deviation is punished punitively. There is little one can do about it and it takes immense courage and spirit of sacrifice to defy the state machinery.

            State chooses ‘not to act’: This occurs in states which guarantee freedom but their actions are more in terms of ‘omissions’. They stand by as people attack each other, biding time, waiting to see which side wins and then side with them. This is a spineless procedure and more states are guilty of this practice than one could possibly imagine. Think for a while and numerous examples would emerge. They hide behind ideas like public order and morality while let go of true ideals. The danger is that anyone who opposes becomes vulnerable to attacks from directions unknown, unlike the previous case where one can (at least) be sure of where the punch might come from. The state can at times ‘covertly’ act against the opposition or sit back while someone else ensures that your freedom of speech is curbed.

       

            Self-imposed: This is a phenomenon observed widely among intellectuals, artists, film-makers etc. i.e. the divergent lot. The ones who do not wish to conform and want to express themselves with complete freedom weigh the pros and cons of doing so. More often than not, the consequences of expressing outweigh the benefits and they choose to dumb down their thoughts. They start towards conformity. The point is that they do it to themselves as they are sure (and quite correctly) that being different and speaking freely would just not be worth it. How does this fear emerge? It is generally learnt through socialisation. The fear of being harassed is internalised through the apathy observed in the society and in governmental machinery.

      

      The point I’m trying to make is that through one way or the other, the above three dimensions are generally less spoken about. There are other ways too but the above three mix in various proportions to deny us the ultimate freedom.

      

      The fact is that in 10 years no one would remember which particular group opposed Taslima Nashreen, M.F. Hussain, Deepa Mehta, Wendy Doniger, Salman Rushdie, Rohintan Mistry etc. No one would remember if it was a Hindu or a Muslim or a group from any other religion which opposed them. No one would remember WHY? And for WHAT? they were opposed. But what everyone would remember is that ‘India as a nation’ was not able to facilitate their freedom to express themselves. The image of a country, as N. Korea can be cited, would become one of intolerant.

      

      So the thing is: Complete freedom of expression does not exist. Sartre couldn’t establish the line between individual liberty and group liberty then who am I to speak?

Why all this sham then? Why even pretend?

What ‘the guarantee of freedom of speech, thought, conscience, etc. means is that you are free to speak as long as you say the “acceptable” thing.’

Voltaire said: “It is dangerous to be right in matters where established authorities are wrong”.

And that my friends is that.