Is 'Chaddi' worth dying for?

You and I were born naked. Did it matter at that time? No. But as we grew up and underwent the process of socialization we were taught to wear underwear. It was the civil thing to do. It seemed to have a purpose and well, to a certain extent it does. We became so accustomed to underwear that we started taking it for granted. It became a routine part of our lives, like another skin and we feel quite naked inside without it. Yet there are people who do not like wearing underwear, they just don’t like its stifling effect (liberals eh!).

Now, there are different types of underwear like briefs, boxers, trunks etc. for guys (I’m a bit ignorant on those for women) and we wear them as per our comfort. We move from one type to the other as we realize the utility of the next one. Obviously we don’t go about shouting in the streets telling people about the type of underwear we have on, though we have the fundamental right to do so. We generally keep it to our self and maintain it our self. The point being that underwear, essentially, is as personal as it gets.

This brings me to a few questions that are indeed stifling:

1)   Do we claim that our underwear is better than yours? If some people do, we usually ignore them, discounting for their immaturity.

2)    Do we form something like ‘All India Briefs Association’ and proudly claim to be a part of such an association?

3)    Do we ever do something like ‘Chaddi Waapsi’ andolan for those unfateful lot who have lost their way into a boxer short?

4)     Do we berate those who insist on not wearing underwear? We frown, but most often they are left to their means.    

5)      Do we feel that all of a sudden “our underwear is under threat”?

6)      Do we eat and go out only with those who share our same views on underwear?

7)      Do we ever feel like establishing a country based on our underwear choices?

8)      Does it matter if your friend has a Calvin-Klien or a Rupa?

9)      Are we ready to die for our underwear?

10)   Are we ready to kill for it?

The thing is if I go around asking people for votes because we share the common brand of underwear, I would probably get a one way ticket to Agra. But I also realize that underwear is a universal thing and if you are perceptive enough you would notice that those people who have no concept of underwear are called primitive, uncivilized (sound familiar?). And for quite a few, it is the sole purpose of their lives is to make them underwear converts (for the lack of a better phrase).

To get back to the point: We do not marry on the basis of underwear, we do not befriend on its basis nor we come to hate others in this regard. We do not start our business on the auspicious day of Tommy Hilfiger’s new line of underwear launch. We do not ask for reservation in jobs nor do we wish to erect an underwear temple at the cost of underwear riots. We do not claim the tyranny of western influence when we switched from ‘langots’ to boxers. We have the right to choose our own underwear and quite frankly I think I could go to court if through some executive order, I am forced to wear one type in preference to the other.

Yet we can agree on this one point that it is a personal affair. That you would probably decline a job if your interviewer inquires about your underwear. It would be considered rude if a bunch of people came to your house and asked if you had a few moments to talk about the new revelation in underwear industry. You would also kick out the bunch of motley kids asking you for donation in the name of chaddi puja. But what would actually infuriate you is if there occurs a nation-wide campaign to establish ‘chaddistan’.  

Through my intensive research I have found a common trait: There may be different kinds of underwear and we may choose to wear them differently (superman) but they were all created by humans for the comfort of humans and any underwear which, through its fanatical consumers, seeks to destroy the fraternity of humans is torn and in need of replacement.

करें न करें, कहना ज़रूरी है।

दिल्ली की धूप आदमी को यूँही चिड़चिड़ा बना देती है; और अगर आप स्वयं को विचारक मान बैठे हों तो मुमकिन है की इसकी अभिव्यक्ति या तो सरकार के प्रति रोष या मानव स्तिथि के प्रति अति संवेदनशील भाव में होगी। बात ऐसी ही एक गर्म दोपहर की है जब मैं और मेरे मित्र रिक्शे पे बैठे कहीं जा रहे थे जब एकाएक ही वह भड़क उठे।

'यार इस महंगाई का क्या होगा? सरकार ने तो मानो हाथ खड़े कर लिए हैं। अब आप ही सोचिये की पिछले छः महीनो में खाने की हर चीज़ महँगी हो चुकी है। ऐसे में गरीब क्या करे? खाना न मिले तो आदमी कमज़ोर हो जाता है, कमज़ोरी में उसे रोग धर-दबोचता है और आजकल तो रोग भी इतने महंगे हो गए हैं की क्या बताऊँ! साल दर साल लोगों की आमदनी बढे न बढे, रोग ज़रूर बढ़ जाते हैं। अब आप बताइये की जहां बच्चा दूध न पी पाता हो, ऐसे में महंगे रोग हो जाएँ तो किया क्या जाए? दवाइयाँ भी तो कितनी महँगी आती हैं। मैं तो कहता हूँ की किस काम के हैं ये खाद्य भण्डार जब सरकार महंगाई कम करने के लिए उसका उपयोग ही न करे। अरे भाई जब लोग मर रहे हैं तो दे दो खाना, स्टॉक है संसद की सीट थोड़ी जो कुंडली तले दबा रखा है। सब साले लूटने बैठे हैं!'

उनकी बात कई मुद्दों को आपस में मिला गयी। शायद यही वह गुण है जो लोगों को विचारक होने के भ्रम में डाल देती है। मैंने भी हामी भर दी, भला इस धुप में बहस कौन करे? उधर रिक्शा वाला चुपचाप पेडल पर पाँव मारे चला जा रहा था। उसकी उम्र हो चुकी थी और बदन किसी ढांचे समान रिक्शा घींच रहा था।

आगे मोड़ पे एक गाडी वाले से भिड़ंत होते होते बची। गलती गाड़ीवाले की थी पर उसने दो चार बातें रिक्शा वाले को ही सुना दी। भला इस धुप में बहस कौन करे? पर मेरे मित्र मुझे समझाने लगे।

'देखा आपने पैसे का गुरूर? उसे पता था की यह रिक्शा वाला कुछ न कर सकेगा और अगर पुलिस आई तो इसे ही दो डंडे लगाएगी। इसी घमंड में सुना गया वो बातें। और इस बेचारे गरीब को भी यह भली भांति मालूम है इसलिए यह भी चुप सुनता रहा। मानव संवेदना तो मानो लुप्त हो चुकी है समाज से। कौन सुनेगा इनकी और बात एक तरह से सही भी है, आखिर कोई क्यों सुने इनकी? सबकी अपनी परेशानियां हैं और यह भी तो कम आलसी नहीं हैं। अरे भाई अगर अपने हक़ के लिए खुद नहीं लड़ोगे तो कोई क्या कर सकता है? मेरा तो मन कुपित हो उठता है इनकी व्यथा देखकर पर जब यह खुद कुछ नहीं करते तो मैं क्यों पडूँ इनके झमेले में? "गरीब हो या नपुंसक?" वह रिक्शा वाले से पूछ बैठे'

रिक्शा वाला पसीने से तर चुपचाप चलता रहा। उनकी बातें अनसुनी कर। मैंने भी अपने मित्र से कुछ नहीं कहा। भला इस गर्मी में बहस कौन करे?

'अरे महंगाई और गरीबी को छोड़िये और मौसम को ही देख लीजिये। सुना है पिछले 20 साल में ऐसी गर्मी नहीं पड़ी, कई राज्यों में तो सूखे के आकाल के लक्षण अभी से दिखने लगे हैं। इन भिखारियों को ही देख लीजिये, अगले महीने तक 10-15 तो परलोक सिधार ही जायेंगे। दुःख होता है मुझे यह देखकर पर मैं अकेला कर भी क्या सकता हूँ? सरकार को कुछ तो करना चाहिए। बताइये, सरकार तो अब इन्हें आराम से मारने छोड़ देती है और साल के अंत में कहती है की फलां प्रतिशत गरीबी कम हो गयी है। गरीबी हटाओ से गरीब हटाओ पे आ चुके हैं। वे इसका श्रेय भी लेते हैं, इनकी मौत का नहीं, 'गरीब घटाने' का। मैं तो इन चीज़ों को करीब से देखता हूँ इसलिए बता रहा हूँ।'

मैंने कृतज्ञता जताते हुए फिर हामी भर दी। 20-25 मिनट बाद हम अपने तय स्थान पे पहुंचे तो उतरकर उन्होंने रिक्शा वाले से भाड़ा पूछा। 30 रूपए। रिक्शा वाले को कस के डांटा- 'उल्लू समझते हो? 20 रूपए होते हैं, ज़्यादा होशियार बनने की ज़रुरत नहीं है।' उसे 20 रूपए पकड़ाकर मेरी तरफ देखकर बोले- 'देख रहे हैं न आप? सब साले लूटने में लगे हैं।

मैंने रिक्शा वाले को देखा। वह भी चुपचाप खड़ा शायद यही सोच रहा था।

Pre-election rambling

(These are just events that happened and the response it evoked in me. Not insightful at all)

How is this for a start: there would be three dry days in Delhi during election? What a way to dampen spirits eh! Quite literally.

Sobriety aside, Delhi election had been pegged as a war of egos. For the BJP, losing here would raise serious doubts over their ability to govern since they just assumed majority in general elections and had over seven months of reign in Delhi during this period. For AAP, losing would inevitably see their demise. For Congress…well, where were we!

As expected, the big guns came out…you know the ones at level 99 of the classic game: mud slinger.

One said: tu chor. The other said: tu chor. My auto driver said: chor-chor mausere bhai! (Someone make him the CM).

One said: he ran away. The other said: she ran away. I am still figuring where.

One said: let us debate in assembly. The other said: let us debate in public. The supporters are still debating over which venue is suitable.

One said: we promise 30% discount on electricity bills. The other promised 50%. No one mentioned  that conditions applied.

One said: you behave like a dictator. The other said: you behave like a dictator. Hitler went: how cute!

While this was going on I saw huge posters of “Delhi chale Modi ke saath”… I mean we get it but wouldn’t becoming CM, now, be a step down? Someone clarified that he was not going to be the CM too… oh ok then!    

The media went crazy as usual. Every news channel had a panel of ‘experts’. Some even roped in Chetan Bhagat… I mean Delhi isn’t even a state bro, let alone two states. One channel claimed AAP to win 36 seats, the other channel showed 37 just to spite the first one. One said that the Modi wave was still on, the other denied it saying it was Kejriwal wave. Someone pointed out that it had snowed in Shimla and it was a cold wave. The spokesperson of BJP and AAP went for each other’s throats while the one from Congress cleared his throat: Ahem! guys guys…I am here too you know. Journalists went from pillar to post to organize a debate Ravish took the piece of cake by offering ‘mulethi’ (Dude’s awesome!).

In between Obama visited Delhi too and we went from counting votes to counting designer stripes. Obama quoted from DDLJ and we were convinced how ‘Bhartiya sanskriti’ would eventually dominate ‘western civilisation’. I wondered if DDLJ could be made the national movie of India.

In what felt like ‘taare zameen par’, 11 union ministers, hundreds of MLA’s from all over India and even the PM came out to promote BJP which does seem too much given the geographical and demographic size of Delhi (It is a city for crying out loud!). We might face a fiscal deficit but there was no deficit of leadership in here. AAP could not do the same so they just asked Kumar Vishwas to write a few funny lines. Rahul Gandhi didn’t even bother getting out of the quilt.

Some party switching took place and most prominent among them were Shazia Ilmi from AAP to BJP and Krishna Teerath from Congress to BJP. Coincidentally football transfer season was on in January too (I’m not saying they are related). Ms Bedi joined BJP and gave us a new perspective of the solar system. She also showed us her Modi scrapbook and we all went Awww! The party ticket scenario was one of railway reservation during tatkal hours.

The point is that it was all pointless. The thought should have been that who had a better plan and intent for development. Radio, televisions, movie theatres, metro compartments, and even trees in parks have politicians winking at us. The noxious has turned obnoxious and as the election comes closer everything has gone spiraling down uncontrollably.

There is indeed a strong chance of AAP winning in Delhi but that should not be construed as vindication of faith in them. They would get votes because there is a feeling of BJP becoming all powerful and unchecked in the absence of opposition. They might win but they would be chosen as an alternative as people still have reservations regarding their ability to govern. They will be much scrutinized if they come to power and the pressure would be relentless.

There still remains so much to add but I am writing this in a car and they are towing it away with me inside. I wonder if they thought I was the PM.

Met God once. Dude’s funny.

You know how sometimes while walking down a street someone jumps in front of you and declares that he is God. You don’t? Well you haven’t visited my home town then. It so happened that one evening while I was returning after having ‘dinner’ with my friends that this dude emerged out of nowhere and proudly claimed, “Son, gaze upon me and thank your lucky stars for I am God!”.

I was a bit tipsy after the ‘heavy meal’ and got startled as the street was empty and I was sure that this was a robbery in progress. I tried to move aside and be on my way but he blocked me.

God: What’s the matter with you? Are you not impressed?

Me: meh!

God: A cynic eh! Well, what did you expect?

Me: Look man…with all due respect, I’m an atheist and I don’t even believe in you.

God: Yeah I heard you unsubscribed. What! The newsletters not good enough for you? (khee khee khee!!... He laughed at his own joke.)

I looked around for someone to help me but then it got even weirder. Apart from this guy, now I could also see Deepika Padukone, looking ‘lovely’. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief (yes, that was the part I had trouble believing). I vowed never again to ‘eat’ so heavily.

Me: Ok, say I believe that you are God. Why did you choose to visit me? To what fortunate deed do I owe this pleasure?

God: I heard you raving and ranting about how I was not doing a good job and how I might not even exist so I came to prove something. Go ahead ask me what you wish to know.

Me: Is that Deepika over there?

God: Really! That’s your first question and you doubt ME. Dumbass! But yeah, it’s her.

Me: Fine! Does heaven exist?

God: (pointing at Deepika) what do you think?

Me: Does hell exist?

God: Wait till morning.

Me: oh! Come on, can you give me one straight answer?

God: Nope. And if I told you, I’ll have to kill you. Haha! Get it? (Another joke)

Me: So did you write any books?

God: Nah man! I’m God, if I wrote books, what would you lazy buggers do?

Me: So how do so many religions claim that they know what you want to say?

God: I don’t know. Wikileaks probably. (hee hee hee!)

Me: So is this what you actually look like?

God: Nah! It’s just a whimsical getup. I particularly enjoy a dramatic entrance. Did you like it? Beside, you wouldn’t have been able to handle how I actually look.

Me: yeah right! Ok tell me why do people kill in your name?

God: Why do people forge a signature? Why do people aspire to be like someone else? I call them frauds.

Me: Alright! How do I end world hunger?

God: Feed more, feed less. (Applause in the background)

Me: What about global warming?

God: Feed less, fart lesser.

Me: aaaaargh!!! Stop being sarcastic for a minute, could you?

God: What! I’m just playing your game. It’s awful fun, I must admit.

Me: So what do you eat?

God: You know…sugar, spice and everything nice.

Me: What does my future hold?

God: You grow older and then get old.

Me: So what’s the most beautiful thing on earth?

God: You are!

(Oh! Stop it you…)

Me: what’s the ugliest?

God: your heart.

(F off!! Dude!)

Me: Are you here to grant me three wishes?

God: Do I look like a fuckin Genie to you?

Me: How about one?

God: No way… have you seen the rate of inflation?

Me: Coming here, what was it that you wanted to prove?

God: Ah Dammit! I don’t remember. I forgot. Hahaha! Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

Me: Even you forget stuff?

God: Yeah, sometimes. You have this notion that I’m perfect. You build up the hype. Perfect! Maybe I am, maybe not.

Me: How do I get in touch with you… you know for later?

God: Hold on I have those 1800 numbers you can call… Now where did I put my card? Bazinga punk! I appear when I wish to.

Me: Haha! Very funny! Don’t you have original jokes?

God: Look around you dumbo! It’s all a fuckin joke.

Me: Ok Ok… don’t shout! I already feel like puking. Why did I ‘eat’ so much? Anyway answer me my final question and please be direct. One question so that I can go home and sleep peacefully. Can you do that?

God: I won’t promise anything (ooh! Diplomacy) but ask away.

Me: What is the meaning of life?... I mean, what’s the whole point?

God: Hahaha… dude, dude, dude… I have been sarcastic to you for the last half an hour and you are still talking to me while all this time you could have been talking to ‘lovely’ Deepika right here. Do you really think life has a point?

Whoosh!!! The bugger vanished with Deepika.

"Huh!", I went, "guess that was pretty impressive."

(PS: The above mentioned god is imaginary (what am I saying?). He is MY god and does not affiliate to any known religion and for all the shit he pulled it could have been a devil masquerading as god.) 

Freedom of expression: A lip service

Freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of thought…blah, blah and fu**in blah!

Brilliant idea, brilliant thought,

Does it exist?

Alas! Not.

So much has been said about the above concepts that it is difficult to say more and yet it always seems that more needs to said. What does the constitution say? What does the UN charter say? What does common sense say? Everyone knows that. The idea has been thrown around so much that each of us take it for granted as understood. I would however, not delve into what freedom of speech and expression means but would like to speak about the ways in which it is curtailed in broader terms.

           

            State chooses to ‘act’: When we talk about curtailment of suck kind of freedom, examples of authoritarian regimes come to mind. Some middle-eastern countries, China, North Korea etc. to some extent ‘actively’ curtail free speech for various purposes. There lacks a constitutional guarantee to oppose such curbing measures and therefore the freedom is suppressed ‘overtly’, and deviation is punished punitively. There is little one can do about it and it takes immense courage and spirit of sacrifice to defy the state machinery.

            State chooses ‘not to act’: This occurs in states which guarantee freedom but their actions are more in terms of ‘omissions’. They stand by as people attack each other, biding time, waiting to see which side wins and then side with them. This is a spineless procedure and more states are guilty of this practice than one could possibly imagine. Think for a while and numerous examples would emerge. They hide behind ideas like public order and morality while let go of true ideals. The danger is that anyone who opposes becomes vulnerable to attacks from directions unknown, unlike the previous case where one can (at least) be sure of where the punch might come from. The state can at times ‘covertly’ act against the opposition or sit back while someone else ensures that your freedom of speech is curbed.

       

            Self-imposed: This is a phenomenon observed widely among intellectuals, artists, film-makers etc. i.e. the divergent lot. The ones who do not wish to conform and want to express themselves with complete freedom weigh the pros and cons of doing so. More often than not, the consequences of expressing outweigh the benefits and they choose to dumb down their thoughts. They start towards conformity. The point is that they do it to themselves as they are sure (and quite correctly) that being different and speaking freely would just not be worth it. How does this fear emerge? It is generally learnt through socialisation. The fear of being harassed is internalised through the apathy observed in the society and in governmental machinery.

      

      The point I’m trying to make is that through one way or the other, the above three dimensions are generally less spoken about. There are other ways too but the above three mix in various proportions to deny us the ultimate freedom.

      

      The fact is that in 10 years no one would remember which particular group opposed Taslima Nashreen, M.F. Hussain, Deepa Mehta, Wendy Doniger, Salman Rushdie, Rohintan Mistry etc. No one would remember if it was a Hindu or a Muslim or a group from any other religion which opposed them. No one would remember WHY? And for WHAT? they were opposed. But what everyone would remember is that ‘India as a nation’ was not able to facilitate their freedom to express themselves. The image of a country, as N. Korea can be cited, would become one of intolerant.

      

      So the thing is: Complete freedom of expression does not exist. Sartre couldn’t establish the line between individual liberty and group liberty then who am I to speak?

Why all this sham then? Why even pretend?

What ‘the guarantee of freedom of speech, thought, conscience, etc. means is that you are free to speak as long as you say the “acceptable” thing.’

Voltaire said: “It is dangerous to be right in matters where established authorities are wrong”.

And that my friends is that.