Thou shall VOTE!

The legend goes that god created earth and was like, “guys, do whatever you want, just don’t eat the apple.” And Eve was like, “fuck this shit! I'm going to eat that apple anyway. In hindsight, we would all agree that it wasn't the best tactic used by god and he could have said something like this: “see, if you eat that apple, it would lead to dire consequences. Your future generation would have to suffer horrors like plague, Ebola, Bieber, authoritarian governments etc.”. I'm pretty sure Eve would then have acted differently. The point is education and reasoning work better than coercion. Add the word ‘compulsory’ before anything and chances are it will be rebelled against.

Gujarat government’s decision to move ahead with ‘compulsory voting’ in elections to local bodies is an ill-conceived step and let me explain why.

   

      1)  We have a first to the post system of election. It means that if 99 out 100 people did not vote, the one person voting would determine the winner. It is argued that compulsory voting would be a true representation of people’s wishes. It is not so because even if every-one voted, the winner would still be decided by the one who gets most votes i.e. if 9 out 10 candidates get 9 votes each (81 votes), the winner would be the 10^th candidate with 19 votes. It is not a true representation as 81 people did not vote for candidate number 10. For true representation a system requires ‘proportional representation’ i.e. if there are 10 seats, these seats should be divided as per the votes received. It’s not so in India.

    

      2) None of the above (NOTA) - suppose everyone apart from the candidate votes for NOTA, he’ll still win because NOTA votes don’t cancel out valid votes, and they just reduce the number of votes which decides a winner.

      

      3) Grave situation – suppose there are 3 seats(X, Y and Z) and three candidates (A, B and C) up for election. Anyone even slightly in touch with politics knows about mutual seat sharing wherein parties mutually agree not to contest against each other for some seats. So, say each of these candidates divide the seats by agreeing not to contest against each other. They will win the seat even if everyone apart from themselves votes for NOTA. The problem is, since everyone voted, their election would acquire legitimacy which morally it shouldn't. It is not as far-fetched a situation. I have just tried to simplify the process for understanding.

      

      4) Mistrust – Compulsory voting effectively states that as a state we don’t trust you to exercise your will to vote and hence we’ll compel you to do so. The irony is that these are the same people who we voted for and now in power, they tell us that we are not trustworthy of exercising our own right.

      5) Constitutionally – our constitution gives every adult a right to vote and the right to liberty is a Fundamental right in India. The duty to vote is implied and quite frankly not even mentioned in the constitution. It is so because the authors of our constitution trusted in our sense of judgement. They understood that as the democracy matures, people would learn and vote willingly. That is why they did not even bother mentioning it in such a lengthy constitution. Besides, choosing not to vote can be understood as a very legitimate form of protest albeit not preferable but rightful enough.

Indians have increasingly came out and voted and the percentage is increasing every time an election is held. Why can it not be allowed to take its course? The thing is, it is a maturation process. A child walks when he matures; try forcing it to walk before that!

6) Examples – the examples cited in favour of compulsory voting is that of Australia and Singapore. First of all, it should be understood that their system of government and constitution is vastly different from ours. We overall follow the mix of British, American and Canadian system of government. None of them have compulsory voting and none of them can be said to have a dysfunctional democracy in the absence of compulsory voting.

7) Compliance – Anything that is made a compulsion, induces compliance. Not voting is not a crime but if it is made so, one is forced to comply. You’ll pay taxes if you understand that it is for the benefit of the country but if you are forced to do so without understanding the cause, chances are that you will evade it. Coercion NEVER works as intended. It breeds resentment. It causes rebel. It curbs freedom.

Let me give one last example as to why it is not a good thing to force people to do something, in this case vote. The point of focus is to educate them and to trust them to take their decision for themselves: We TEACH children, we TRAIN dogs. Children are made to understand why they are being punished and the child learns to reason and not repeat his mistakes. A dog merely associates his action with a punishment and does not reason why it is so. The dog is coerced into a pattern of behaviour which suits the owner and there is little it can do to change it. To start with god and end with dog is not what I intended, but anyway; If you make me sit, I’ll sit for the fear of stick but I for one would not wag my tail.

A Sensational Diet

So you don’t like spinach? Eat it every day and chances are you’ll end up liking it. Meals thereafter would not seem inviting in the absence of spinach, you’ll miss it and might even crave it. Though what I said may seem like an exaggeration, the point I’m trying to make is that what we consume regularly will consume us eventually. And no, I’m not here to talk about the veggies but the prevalence of ‘sensationalism’ in news.

I know you have heard about it, read about it and complained about it ad nauseum, I have, but kindly bear with me for a few paragraphs.

Let me start with my favourite: ‘bees minute mein sau khabrein’( a hundred news in 20 minutes)!! It is like how Sharukh Khan tried to eat paani-puri in Rab ne bana di Jodi. Consume it and you’ll end up with diarrhoea. No opinion forming or genuine news could be digested in that amount in 20 minutes. News channels I believe have therefore become the leading cause of indigestion, metaphorically speaking.

Vada-pav, bhel-puri, pav-bhaji are the most delicious snacks, especially at a road side stall. If you think about it these are the hawkers who will yell the loudest to catch your attention; add all kinds of ‘masala’ to ensure you are hooked; but ultimately what you get is what they want you to have (it is their creation, their ‘thoughts’ have been put into it). Now, I’m not saying that we can’t drool over it, or we can’t go out for bhel-puri once in a while with the entire family; but how many of us would have it regularly, day in day out? For nutrition we need to have healthy food regularly and somehow it feels redundant to say it out loud.

The entire furore over Deepika’s cleavage was like mess food, very distasteful, utterly ridiculous and yet believe it or not some of us did consume it sumptuously. And pretty much like the mess owners, the newspaper bravely claimed that what it served what nothing short of haute cuisine. The recent hot topics were Rajdeep Sardesai getting slapped, what Modi wore when he boarded the plane and what he changed into when he landed in America, how he charmed the people at MSG who by the way were mostly Modi supporters anyways. The thing is it’s like a packet of lays chips, we say we would stop but no one can eat just one.

Sensational news are meant to be addictive, passive effortless consumption of the same is what attracts us. It is the junk food of journalism. It’s intoxicating and irresistible. Why think about Ebola or ISIS or the Hong Kong demonstrations when we can watch how Salman Khan has an air plane in Big Boss, which by the way was another breaking news? You can watch re-runs of soaps on news channels (come on damn it!!). If you observe carefully, you’ll even find some of the anchors nauseated at what they have to report like a vegetarian chef who was made to cook non-veg against his will. They do it as their job but if we stop ordering, they will have to change the menu.

The stuff which make headlines have been, of late, pre-packed and convenient. Just put them in a microwave and bam!! It’s all done. No chopping of fresh vegetables, no dicing of meat, no measuring of castor sugar, it’s all in the pack; dry, frozen, added with preservatives and ready to eat. What’s wrong with that? I would like to coin the term ‘mental obesity’ here. If you eat that food regularly and not exercise, you will grow fat and maybe die of a heart attack. Similarly regular consumption of sensational or un-newsworthy news would cause a layer of fat (not literally) to solidify over our brains. We will become intellectually lethargic and our minds, the proverbial ‘couch-potato’. Why do you think that McDonald is expanding like crazy? Not because they serve food which is balanced but because the food is convenient, the food chain is highly visible and the buzz around it is loud.

There are over 135 news-channels and thousands of newspapers in India. Add social media to it and we have plenty of sources for news. The problem we face is how to cope with this overwhelming amount of news? The solution is simple: like a person deficient in Vitamin C should consume more citrus fruit, similarly one can choose the news-paper or channel according to one’s need (mind you: NEED). A businessman could watch business news for example. The point is that we have to decide the type of news we consume like the food we consume and if you prefer junk for breakfast, lunch and dinner then ‘may the force be with you’.

There are credible news agencies who do provide genuine news and analysis beyond the melodrama. 

The problem is the people who follow them are already well informed and many of those who do not, tend not to follow them out of sheer stubbornness. It is like a healthy person eating healthy food and an obese person gorging himself on donuts. This divide has to be reduced. The excuse that I do not want to apply my mind because that’s what the news channels are for has led us to this point.

The last thing is that we can do something about it. If the papers sell cheap news, change it. It is a democracy, vote with your wallets. The news-channels work for TRP which is directly related to viewership. CHANGE THE CHANNEL. It’s that simple. You LITERALLY have the REMOTE in your hands. The scary part is that today if journalism was art, the gallery would be Wal-Mart.

Stay healthy! Cheers!

Love-Jihad?

Love-jihad

Seriously?

If there ever were awards presented for the most idiotic, cock and bull, xenophobic theory of paranoia then Love Jihad would claim the Oscars hands down. I ignored it initially assuming that it was some form of right-wing troll but by god, has it acquired some traction! A conspiracy in the absence of one is just what we don’t need and it is exactly what is being lapped up by many and quite sumptuously. The other conspiracy it reminded me of is that of man’s first landing on the moon. Both sides try to make points but we all know how that’s going to end.

The theory has ‘love’ and ‘jihad’ spoken in one breath, how stupid can one be not to understand this basic contradiction in the name itself?

The theory, broadly speaking, goes like this: Muslim men lure innocent Hindu girls into ‘love traps’ (whatever that means) without revealing their religion. They assume generic names like Sonu, Monu etc. and sweet talk girls into falling for them. These men then marry, impregnate or force these girls through one way or the other to convert to Islam. The ultimate aim being changing the whole demographic structure of India and reducing Hindus to a minority.

Take a moment and read the theory again. How incredibly ingenious! What a master stroke! It not only plays along communal lines but also threatens the family structure and our social fabric in one go. They (the ones propagating this crap) put in forced marriage, forced conversions, inter-religion marriage, minority insecurities etc. all in one pot and voila! A heady mixture of fear, lies and paranoia. What impresses me however is the sheer absurdity of this thought and the audacity with which some are spreading it.

The problem begins with misinformation, that the guy does not reveal his true identity. If the girl, consensually, falls in love with a guy, should religion matter anyways? The intention is suspect but fraudulent love claims are not only limited to Muslim guys. There are numerous cases of guys from all religious backgrounds indulging in similar affairs for different ends. Just watch a few episodes of Sawdhaan India (LOL!). Such cases outnumber forces conversions any day. Read any of the respectable newspapers and you will find love-jihad being declaimed by reports. Even media has caused some anxieties but who can blame them for cashing in some sensationalism(right?).The fact that such aims of demographic transition is not at all possible in India should be enough for us to dispel the fear (and why fear?) of its implications.

The question is how can proponents of this idea be so insecure? How can they live their lives with so much of fear and hate? How can they generalise and blame an entire community of being participant in such an act? How can they not understand the ramifications of this fear-mongering? You sir, are dividing my society. You are making my neighbours suspect me and I them. If a Muslim boy was welcomed in a Hindu house like a son till yesterday, tomorrow he will be suspected senselessly and through no fault of his own. Besides, you are giving wrong ideas to wrong people. What if the idea boomerangs? What if tomorrow the Hindu guys start doing the same because you gave them the idea? Would you still speak so vehemently to protect Muslim girls? I know the answer; you won’t.

Stop it! Just look at your kids and let them grow in a fearless environment. Don’t dump your obnoxious ideas on them. Don’t make liberals toe the hard line. Don’t feed on people’s insecurities. You might die tomorrow but your poison may spread for generations to come.

Better yet, try for once in your life to turn the phrase around and work towards jihad for love. Fight, so that love blossoms.

In the great words of well, mine: Spread love not Jihad!

Cheers!

To booze or not to booze!

(Statutory warning: Consumption of alcohol is injurious to your health. Well OK!!)

To booze, or not to booze: that is the question: 

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take a peg against a sea of troubles,

And by drinking end them?

‘Prohibition’, a word that chills us social drinkers (wink, wink) has been brought around recently by the state of Kerala. If they have their way, the state may well become another dry state and I can’t imagine what a state of dryness it would be.

So why the sudden need for such a law? The people must have been craving prohibition like mad; there must have been dharnas and sit-ins or a state-wide level hartal or even disruption of government functioning if it wasn’t introduced. Somebody must have threatened them with self-immolation or a fast unto death. Wait!! What?? None of those happened and still the government wants to bring prohibition! Awww!! The concern is touching. But you know sir, when actually the above things happened? It happened during Delhi rape case, it happened when the entire nation wanted a strong lokpal and lokayukta, it happened when people wished that criminals not be allowed inside assemblies, it happened when farmers committed suicide.

So here’s a crazy idea: why don’t you give us what we actually want (you know: stuff like jobs, better healthcare, cleaner politics) rather than anticipating what we may or may not need. But hey!! what do I know?

I mean if I don’t drink how would my friends know how much I love them? Where would our fellow engineers find peace? How would people like me express their patriotism and undying love for the nation? How would some of us delve into the depths of our emotions? The sparkling ideas formed over sparkling drinks would disappear. What would happen to our music industry? ‘Baby doll main sone di…’ wouldn’t be the same now would it?

A few points:

1)America imposed prohibition in early 20^th century. Read what happened.

2)Deal with the psycho-social problems that lead to alcohol addiction like unemployment, poor social   framework of support etc.

3)Enforce stricter drink and drive rules.

4)Fight domestic violence harder through empowerment of women (this phrase has lost its meaning, courtesy Rahul baba)

5)Ensure that minors don’t get access to alcohol. Etc.etc.

6)Bhaisaab! nasha sharaab mein hota to naachti botal.

The above problems are very real but alcohol doesn’t cause them. It does act as a trigger in many such cases but by prohibition would we actually be solving these problems? The difference is this: doing the things above requires stronger political will; a long gestation period; a comprehensive policy dealing with psychological, social and economic aspects at the same time; a holistic approach towards greater mass awareness. Prohibition on the other hand is quick-fix, a duct-tape approach to a dangling air-plane wing; politically motivated in the veil of social good.

There are books which I can’t read because they are banned; scenes from movies which I can’t see because they are censored; sub-titles on movie channels translate “go to hell” to “go to Halifax”. The situation is such that we are mature enough to elect governments, to get married, start industries but gods forbid we take a drink or two. Enough with the moral policing! There is a big difference between regulating and prohibiting. Do the former, you won’t need the latter. 

Chaar bottle vodka is a song; it’s not our way of life. If this much is clear then can I ask the government not 

to curtail my freedom to choose?

Ae Ganpat chal daaru la!!!

Arranged marriage: Good economics

My elder brother once commented, “arranged marriages are just good economics”. How cynical, right? But then it struck me…What if he’s right? A human mind is designed to establish analogies, makes our lives easier. And so it was that a rush of similarities overwhelmed me. Here’s the thing, if we keep aside the emotional aspect and look at the framework of arranged marriages we find everything from brand equity to product phase out. Bear with me; even if you are married.

A parent invests in a child; let’s call it product A. His education, health, nutrition etc. all tend to add value to this product until it reaches maturity and is self-sustainable. Yes, the gestation period is long and it is generally a non performing asset till it starts earning. His achievements and failure establish his brand value which appreciates or depreciates according to the image formed in society (much like shares). This is irrespective of male or female.

The marriage situation is similar to merger and acquisition wherein generally, in our country, the parents of the bride lose equity. Though they still remain stakeholders, their voting rights are largely curbed. The process begins by a market survey and, of late, the marriage sites have acted as platforms for facilitating this survey. Feelers are sent forth through free subscription. Once the attention of the market has been gained people become paid members of these sites to gain more response. It is a price finding mechanism and quite literally marketing.

Various prospects are looked into and the suitable ones are called in for a board meeting. The board generally consists of parents, grand-parents, uncles, aunts, neighbors; their neighbors; so on and so forth. A bidding war then ensues only this time the parties losing their stakes try to outbid one another (Rs 10 lakh and a sedan; what? No!;  Rs 50 lakh and an apartment; let’s see; Rs 50 crores and an earth facing plot on moon with DTH; much better). The bride and grooms are thoroughly interrogated; let’s call it due diligence. Does he drink? Does she cook? What’s his salary? What’s her waist size? Is he close with his family? Does she have a good character? Can he ride a bike while solving a rubik’s cube in one hand and playing a flute with the other? Can she take care of the kids while attending office and take care of parents while cooking biryani? All with a smile of course.

The products A and now B are to be merged to create a marriage i.e. product C. After the alignments of stars have been checked and the position of tides verified, a date of marriage is fixed. And BTW sometimes it doesn't even matter if the two products are compatible, they are matched because they can be (Facebook acquired Whatsapp just because it could). Guests come over days before marriage in anticipation of the big launch. They are lodged in expensive hotels and provided with pretty much every- thing they desire (oh! You want scotch… here’s some, you want to meet Mr. Obama…let’s see if we can arrange that). The entire charade is basically a press junket designed to receive favorable reviews. And now even these are being outsourced to event organizers.

Various ceremonies take place before the marriage which are like important presentations before the deal is finally sealed. The products are polished to shine. People fawn over them as if their beauty had just been revealed (here for the first time in your country). All the band baaja builds up to this spectacle reaching its crescendo with the bride and groom up on the stage, garlands in hand. The stage rotates, you can practically see the launch of a shiny new car, rotating on its podium at an auto expo. The formalities are taken care by the pundits or people conducting the marriage. While all the spiritual and religious intricacies of the deal are being managed, the spectators are allowed to feast and feast they do.

The phase out begins almost from the next day and becomes rapid after the end of the honeymoon and recitation of marriage stories ad nauseam. The product is now out and known, time for the next one to arrive. It’s pretty much like the launch of the 1^st iPhone; everyone was excited but nobody really remembers now what it was like.

Can somebody hand over my management degree now?

(PS: I know it’s all morally wrong to say and what not. I am just trying to draw parallels and not establish co-linearity.)

(PPS: Bro get married, your ideas are making me silly)   

I, the non-vegetarian rapist

I was in this psychology study group and discussions were on the psychological factors causing a person to rape another. As was inevitable, one of my friends chuckled and asked if I knew that one of our ministers commented that eating non-vegetarian food increases tendencies to rape. The unfathomable absurdity of that statement could have given me tumor but I survived with a mental itch. You see, I am an engineer so I took the comment and logically extrapolated it or illogically exaggerated it; your call.

Let’s see; suppose half of the world’s population is non-vegetarian and the other half vegetarian, does that imply that half of the world is inclined to rape the other half? What about the non-vegetarians who get raped? Did they not eat enough non-veg? What about those vegetarians who rape? What are they; Anomalies? Now there are some who converted from vegetarianism to non-vegetarianism. What? They couldn’t help the rapist within them? What about those who newly became vegetarians? Have they renounced rape? Then there are eggetarians; sitting on the fence, wondering whether to rape or not. What about the massive population in India which doesn't even get food? What is their position on this perverse scale? And what about those PeTA activists urging us to go veg; Are they subconsciously pleading not to be raped?

I am a non-vegetarian and so have been a number of prime-ministers and presidents in India. Is this theory implying what I think it is? I have been eating non-veg my entire life, so am I just a bag of repressed rapist impulses? The moment I open a Zing-Kong box, am I mentally undressing my victim? The moment I bite into a fried chicken breast (god help me), am I indulging in unpardonable profanities? And gods forbid if I enjoy the meal… what does that say about my depraved nature?

To think of it there could be levels involved which could not even be imagined by Dante when he thought about hell in Inferno. Chicken soup would be your oral harassment; chicken curry could be marital rape; butter chicken is just rape dipped in violence and the worst places in hell are reserved for those who tend to like steak; How brutal are you? If I prefer a bucket over two pieces of chicken then am I secretly an incorrigible gang-banger? Is chicken-chowmein, like a combo pack of rape hormones. And do you like to try out different kinds of meat? Well, even I can’t imagine what lurks within you.

On a different note, Delhi is called the rape capital of India; I never thought that it maybe because of the awesome Kakori kebab they have. Hyderabadi dum biryani is even more renowned, how come they don’t get the same credit? KFCs might be, then, the biggest manufacturers of rapists and with them opening 2-3 stores every day I wonder how humanity would survive the onslaught. It never occurred to me that the complexity of such a behavior could be so easily explained by the science of gastronomy.

It started as a sarcastic thought but now I feel scared. Am I in servitude of my taste buds? I feel haunted by the silence of the lamb-chops and all of a sudden Cloudy with a chance of meatballs seems like a sleazy movie. My entire belief system is in tatters now. Should I remain a non-vegetarian and an aggressor or should I convert and be suppressed? I can’t write further; I have grown depressed; am on my bed in a foetal position under the sheets. How am I going to live with myself?

(PS: its comments like these and write-ups like mine that tend to trivialize rape; take humanity out of it and make it a statistic. I have no such intention and am mentioning this so such inclinations be checked immediately.)

I Freakin' Want

So it was my birthday and my room-mate was feeling generous. He comes to me and says, “Bhai!!! What do you want for your birthday? Tu bas bol kya chaiye.”

“Hmmm… Now what do I want for my birthday? I want a new book to read, or maybe a new United cap, or a new jersey. I want a new shoe, a new watch maybe a new mobile. I am confused. I want a shiny new bicycle, no, a new bike, no, a new car. I want a Mercedes; no, an Aston Martin; wait no, a Jaguar. I want to dine out, to watch three movies back to back, to go on a trip. I want to sing, I want to dance; I es.”

I was saying these out loud and my room-mate kept staring at me; "bhai tu cycle ka karega kya?", he was perplexed. Things escalated quickly.

“I want to fly”, I droned on, “I want money, I want fame, I want to fight crime; I want to be Batman. I want to go to a jungle, I want to switch off my phone, I want to be powerful and I want to be powerless. I want to make a difference and I want to be different. I want to see ‘God’ and I want to go fishing with him (or her or the third gender). I want to know everything, I want to be enlightened, I want to solve problems and I want to create a few. I want to be here and I want to be there; I want to be this and I also want to be that. I want to solve world hunger, I want to eradicate poverty and I want world peace. I want to date Scarlett Johansson and I want to fight Wolverine.”

“Bhai!!” he interrupted, “Even I want to date Scarlett Johansson”.

“It’s my birthday, I get to wish”, I continued, “I want to walk, I want to run and I want to sprint. I want to score a goal in Champions League and I want to ruffle Messi’s hair. I want to travel, I want to wander and I want to be lost. I want to decide finally whether ‘to be or not to be’. I want vegetables to taste like chicken and water like booze. I want to write and then write some more. I want to be invisible and I want to be Batman (Did I say that already?). I want to keep learning and I want to keep exploring. I want to be a reader, a poet, a lover. I want to live, I want to evolve but most importantly, I want to know the meaning of life.”

Later that day, he bought me a pizza.

   

The Broken Heart Syndrome

I could not sleep last night. At two in the morning I found myself twisting and turning on my bed, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep. My body was exhausted but my thoughts were racing. I had been thinking of someone or something; I wasn’t sure. I felt something flutter in my guts. Were they butterflies? I could not tell. All I wanted was to sleep. Time seemed to have slowed down and in what seemed as eternity, half an hour had passed and the sensation grew stronger. I sat up. My room-mates were sleeping peacefully and I felt jealous. “Stop thinking about…”, I told myself. I tried to sleep again but to no effect. In that pain I found myself truly alone. I found myself anxious.

I gave up my effort to sleep and sat down to read, neither Gabo nor Neruda was able to sway my thoughts then. I was thinking constantly and furiously while the pain seemed to move up my body and into my stomach. I moved to poetry then to tragedy. I yearned for some comfort, some peace. Time had dragged itself till then and it was around four in the morning. “Na neend, na chain”, such a stupid line. The solitude felt absolute. It was like a brick wall, unyielding. I wished to talk, moan or even scream out loud but how could I? I had to bear it, it was my burden and I had to remain calm. I knew I had to ‘be a man’ about it and keep my pain to myself.

The tea shop opened at five and I was there, unsure how I reached there. I had still been thinking and felt a twinge of heart burn. The tea was sweet, I felt bitter; the irony of bitter sweet symphony was revealed and it seemed sad."Why?", the question kept coming back to me. My head was hurting, the tea had made my condition worse, I felt delirious. A few people joined me at the shop talking about knick-knacks and hustle-bustle. I was there but I had already drifted miles away. I was among them but different in both time and space. My thoughts were relentless and I was slipping within myself.

I decided to take a stroll. The morning breeze was cool and gentle, almost feminine. I walked. At a distance I could hear a few dogs howl and the distant drone of early morning traffic was surreal. My heart ached, I felt a dagger being pushed in. “Have mercy”, the prayer of an atheist rang to none. “I don’t deserve this”, I thought “I am a decent person, I mean well. Why should it be my fate?”. The streets remained empty, not a soul in sight. The breeze still blew calmly, nothing had changed. Frame after frame, the pictures crossed my mind, of what was and what could have been. The melancholy was unreal. I kept on walking, transitioning between reality and my dream. My breathing grew harder and my heart rate started to increase. The pain had reached its crescendo and I felt a tear drop on my cheek. I could sense a climax. I looked around. There was still no one; No one would stand witness, no one would ever know; I felt like a thief. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the inevitable. “Is this it?”, I thought, “Is this how it will all end? Is this how I’ll die?”.

A long and silent fart later, I understood it was all gas.

(PS: if you like it, no spoilers on social media please. Cheers!)

The Manifesto Concluded.

This is an imaginary manifesto of an imaginary Angoor Aadmi Party. It is meant as a satire and I mean no offence to any section of my country. I do not intend to mock AAP, they mean well. I was wondering about what a manifesto would look like if political parties stated the truth so I decided to become a party (I have used ‘we’ to denote myself). It is not a political campaign and I am not looking for votes.

Angoor Aadmi Party

                                -We won’t lie, just squeeze you dry.

This is the concluding part of the manifesto which sincerely hopes to dent your aspirations, deny you opportunities and make you wish that: “Had I voted wisely, things might have been different (they wouldn’t have been but what’s wrong in wishing?).”

So here we deal with the other half of the 10 point program. Five policies that’ll change your world.

Education: the first scheme is called ‘Tez Aandhi Padhai Likhai Yojana (TAPLY)’. Here we aim to wipe away all funding on education system like the cyclone that wiped your home. You see it is really difficult to govern a well educated country. Citizens keep asking for better quality services, file plenty of RTIs, question the values of the government; basically embarrass us at every step with well thought out arguments based on the figures that we provide them (freaking amazing!). We don’t want that. We don’t want debates, discussions or any questions being raised about us. You expect us to teach all of you (Bah!) and then you turn around to question us? Surely you see the point, surely you understand. Besides what’s the use? One of you with exceptional education will come up with some radical idea which will offend a lot of people, they’ll ask for your head and you will die an untimely death. So why bother? We also intend to repeal the right to education, those kids want to play not study and later they can join their proud parents in raising another generation as theirs. And higher education…Hahaha!!...see if you can find lower first.

Health: People, you have no safety, you have no money, you have no food, and we won’t provide you any education: Why the hell would you want to live? But anyways, since we need votes we must have a scheme for health and welfare (makes us look caring!). We have been very secular and called it ‘Uparwaala bachaye yojana (UBY)’. Since you are already familiar with the concept we won’t have to do much here. We’ll lease all the government hospitals to private practitioners who’ll treat you as they wish (most of them have genuine degrees, we believe). But don’t worry just so it doesn’t seem unfair we’ll increase their taxes by 1% (there, Happy?). Sanitation department would stop installing toilets at your houses so that you are with nature, when nature calls. Besides, it’ll be easier to relieve yourself as the fright of the incoming train would ease the process. Going outside for morning duties also becomes an opportunity for getting acquainted with neighbours; you can find a whole panchayat shitting together!! (Don’t tell us we are not promoting panchayati raj, we so are!) Infant mortality rate, maternal mortality rate, female foeticide are all just numbers put up by the opposition, don’t believe in them. Most of you really don’t care about the disabled and the old anyways so we’ll make sure we don’t either (after all we are your representatives). We stand for inclusive governance, we’ll include all in our misgovernance.

Foreign affairs: This marks the corner-stone policy for every government. We too intend to have a lot of affairs in foreign countries but besides that we are clueless as to how to proceed. All we know is this: With Pakistan half of you want war, half of you want peace; we can’t provide either. With China: well you don’t trust China, we don’t trust you and hence the conundrum. With Nepal and Bhutan… well what is up with them? We’ll consider them neutrals. With Sri Lanka and Bangladesh: we really can’t say, our regional partners might divorce us. With America: We’ll keep batting our eyelashes to catch their attention and regardless of the manner in which they treat our officials, we’ll try our best to ensure that the romance remains alive. With Russia: well we really admire the macho figure of Putin openly defying America (so Dharmendra-esque) and the fact that they provide us with so many planes, guns etc. etc. We will too, be close to Russia. That’s the whole world right? (who goes to Africa?, nobody really cares about Latin America which somehow pops up from time to time; And Europe is our favourite holiday destination so we really hope they do well. Australia, we don’t know what to do there apart from playing cricket). We will however continue our ‘educational tours abroad and visit all those countries which are below us in terms of human development (there won’t be a lot we presume). How the hell are they beating us to the last spot?

The IT industry: Ah! Our favourite. Most of our close allies are in IT industry so we cannot really screw them over, or can we? Let’s see: you complain that you work for peanuts. We assure you that on assumption of power we’ll make sure that it is literally true; senior employees would however get better peanuts from Haldiram. We are working on a program named ‘Suffer Till you Die In Office of Heart-attack (STDIO.H) Yojana’. We also know that you hate working on Mondays so we will declare mandatory holiday on Mondays but Sunday would obviously be an 18 hour work day(Cheers all around, eh!). We look at you and are reminded of Boxer from the Orwellian farm. You, dear friends, are the work horse of our economy. You bring in a lot of dollars and work day and night to appease your western employers. And what do you want; to watch good movies on the weekend. To go to a fine restaurant or a pub to let off steam. To escape into nature (BTW who are you escaping from?). To be a part of the emerging India (Shiny, is it?). Well, haha! The entertainment taxes would be raised, and don’t you dare venture into an ac restaurant; the tax would be more than your bill. As far as your salaries are concerned, as one of our friend put it quite succinctly, “What’ll come around will go around per month”.

The Aam aadmi: Guys Guys Guys!!! Did you read the entire manifesto? And you still want to know what we have in store for you? We are impressed by your resilience. We applaud you for being part of our practical jokes election after election. We salute you for the courage you show when you defy the old adage ‘Pray! Strike on the back and not on the stomach’. We truly are you fans…Blah! Blah! Blah! We have nothing for you, we never did. We are exploiters and we ravage but what can we do with you? Our audacity is limited by your conditions. We have played with your lives and that is what we cannot do anymore (Screw all that… that’s just the manifesto talking, we’ll do worse).

Do vote for us.

We are looking for an election symbol, a bottle of really expensive wine seems obvious choice but suggestions are welcome (We value you opinion (sniggering uncontrollably)).

We will exploit you but trust us; we will not lie to you.

My God!! That's offensive!

I live in a utopia. My conversations are one of an aristocratic tea party, polite. My words are humble and politically correct. So are my thoughts. There is no wry smile; no innuendo, no wit and god forbid if I get creative, I don’t mean to offend. There are no puns, no rolling of eyes, no sarcasm and none of the truth. The sensibilities are paramount with a surcharge of please and pardon me. You may be wrong but I must let it slide by saying “excuse me! Could you please verify the fact once more, if it’s not too much of a trouble for you, for I think you may have come to a not-so-right conclusion. But pardon me if I seem impudent, I didn’t mean offence.” Yes it’s fun, it’s charming, the society is electric, and the ideas are stimulating. I don’t offend you and you don’t offend me, I respect your opinion and your right to have one, you do the same for me. This is my utopia. Help me!! I’m dying in it.

If I have the freedom of speech, do I have the freedom to offend? And do you have the right to get offended? The answer to both is a simple yes. The line is drawn on sand here. Indian laws restrict freedom of speech if it is defamatory, if it compromises national security or if it stands against public order and morality. There is no mention of it being curbed if one gets offended which should be distinguished from libel. So if I am stating the truth, exaggerating stuff to an unbelievable level, and saying things without the intention of defamation or being immoral (who decides it by the way?), do get offended! How you react is a different matter altogether. If I am being verbal, argue with me. Don’t come with a gun to shoot me, don’t throw me behind bars. If you don’t like my work of fiction, come up with your own work of fiction which counters my point, don’t ban my book. If you don’t like the script of my movie make a counter movie, let the audience decide which they prefer. If my paintings hurt your delicate sensibilities, paint out your anger, make a masterpiece to prove me wrong; don’t throw me into exile. If not then you are wishing for my utopia, you are welcome to be a machine in there.

George Orwell: Freedom is the freedom to say 2 + 2 = 4. Once that is granted, everything else follows.

Salman Rushdie: The right to offend is not about humor. It's not about anarchy. It's not about what I feel like doing, without consequences. Believe it or not, it's about defending the right to tell the truth -- which is necessary for progress of society.

These two ideas are put together define the essence of freedom of speech. I’m not good enough with words to forge that simple statement that comes out of synthesizing these ideas but here’s the thing:

a)Before you get offended, realize this – do you really feel offended based on facts or just because someone    told you be offended.

b)If I offend you, offend me. If you use force, realize this that I can counter in the same way. Let’s be        co-planar then.

c)Being louder doesn't mean you are right.

d)Being in majority doesn't mean you are right.

e)Being self-proclaimed arbitrator of order and morality doesn't mean you are right.

f)Evolve your tolerance and maybe your views.

g)I don’t give a shit!!!

So being offensive is being human, being offended is too. The satires, jokes, comic strips, movies, plays etc. are meant to entertain, reflect and provoke thoughts. If you are raising your weapon, there will be self-censorship among writers. If you are picketing cinema halls, there’ll be another century of mindless cinema (copies of copies). Artists will escape, comedians will cry, scientists would be lynched and we will see my utopia crystallize.

Be human, offend sometimes, and get offended sometimes but can we just keep it on the mellow side (or even that’s offensive?).

Presto!!! The Manifesto!!!

This is an imaginary manifesto of an imaginary Angoor Aadmi Party. It is meant as a satire and I mean no offence to any section of my country. I do not intend to mock AAP, they mean well. I was wondering about what a manifesto would look like if political parties stated the truth so I decided to become a party (I have used ‘we’ to denote myself). It is not a political campaign and I am not looking for votes.

Angoor Aadmi Party

                                -We won’t lie, just squeeze you dry.

We don’t expect you to read this (seriously, when was the last time you read a manifesto), but go ahead… kuchh toofani kar lo…

So we have a 10 point program for the country (our original idea) which we would like to divide in two parts and bring them out gradually as we are perfectly aware of your attention span. We would deal with the broader concepts and so some aspects may get neglected.

1    

             How would we deal with corruption: the big question… here’s the thing, we won’t. But don’t get disheartened. Every now and then we will establish a committee, wait for its recommendation, then establish another committee to recommend on those recommendations. We will raise your hopes, get you talking and just when it would seem that something positive might emerge, we will tear up the bill. And that’s not all we’ll also abuse lots of experts and knowledgeable people on live television just so it feels like we are doing something. Besides, c’mon… do you really expect us to curb corruption. We work really hard to win these seats what with all the media manipulation and snooping around… you think it’s easy? So when we win by the votes that you’ll give us, we assure you a corrupt government. We’ll go big and overshadow the entire GDPs of Nepal, Bhutan, Myanmar and Sri Lanka in each of our not so subtle corrupt acts. And making CBI autonomous!!! Are you kidding us??? We would prefer ruling than rotting.

2)      Women issues: another biggie… yeah we know women played a major part in our independence struggle, they have been even more active ever since, they are home-makers, economy builders, leaders, pioneers, scientists, our equal partners in sickness and health, 49% of electors and what not… but seriously, we don’t care!!! It has taken us so long to establish a patriarchal society and to subjugate you. Do you really think we’ll empower you?? Haven’t you learnt that you will get married and vote according to your husband’s wishes? Haven’t you seen that you-tube video of Kalki where she clearly points out how everything is your own fault? So sit back, relax or make a sandwich if you feel like participating. We won’t do shit!!! But do vote for us… your vote is valuable for us.

3)      Environment: (laughing… Oh my god!! Did we seriously put this on our manifesto!!) Ok so supposedly environment is the in-thing nowadays so we have to have a policy about this too. So here we go…   We have a couple of ministries in the government working on environment protection (we have no clue about them) who do some environmental impact assessment or something like that. We assure you we’ll learn in depth about them and shut their funding as soon as possible. Why pour tax-payers money into planting trees or saving western-ghats or protecting our rivers? It’s not like they sustain your lives… smart-phones do (rebate on smart-phones is promised). And why save the tigers and elephants and the vultures (hideous creatures those!!) when we can have luxurious societies overlooking golf-courses where we can have fun pool parties. And pollution… c’mon people, all of you have air conditioners… just crank it up and chill!!! As for those who can’t afford ACs… please do vote for us, we have big multinational companies lined up so that we can provide you with free ACs and the subsidy will be borne by those who already have ACs (Don’t you just love a Robin Hood story). Vote for us.

4)      Foreign Investment: Our economic advisors tell us that foreign investment is a must for growth. We know that (they have invested fuckloads of money on us). It’s not as if you know about the Wealth-Drain theory of Dadabhai Naoroji. But we get it, our national savings at around 30%, we surely need to depend completely on foreign investors because we are too lazy to formulate policies to channel this saving into investment. We’ll allow FDI everywhere because we get embarrassed every time we project ourselves as a super power but we don’t even have Wal-mart. We are like big supports of everything foreign from our coffee to our underwear (We prescribe Tommy). And in medicine too. We’ll allow everyone to set up shop in India so that our standards get raised (We mean… c’mon a pack of Disprin for Rs 10!!! How cheap do we want to appear?). You get the picture right?? FDI in everything… So what if mom and pop stores close, so what if farmers get bound by contracts, so what if food wastage increases? We will have standardised potatoes, with stickers and all. Isn’t that the dream?

5)       Agriculture: Dear farmers… we worship you. You are like our biggest vote bank and so gullible that it makes us weep. See you contribute only 14% to our GDP but take away lot in terms of fertiliser subsidy, interest subvention, compulsory employment under various schemes etc. etc. yeah you bear a lot and produce food while living in sub-human conditions but you are just not viable. We have to grow at a pace of more than 10% per annum and all the subsidies are bleeding us dry. But what can we do? We have to beg for votes so please vote for us. We’ll visit each of the villages personally and assure you of our credibility but please don’t make it a habit of expecting us to visit and comfort you if one of you decides to commit suicide. It’s just bad for our image outside, please don’t do that. And what do you need internet for? Do you even know how to spell Google (HaHa!!)? And electricity… we don’t have it here in our headquarters (this manifesto was written under candle light). But people you need to remember to vote for us.

We’ll exploit you but trust us we won’t lie to you. 

A Really Shitty Conversation

(It is an imaginary conversation and YOU is an imaginary character whose resemblance to anyone and subsequent mockery is subject to author's discretion. Don't read if you feel like getting offended today)

Me : Hey wassup!! Sit down… let’s talk... Want some tea? (Make your own)

YOU: yeah it’s been really long and I have been dying to talk. Let’s talk about football.

Me : nah!! I know united lost the season and their reputation like anything. Your team didn’t do shit either but I would not allow you to be smug anymore. (I reserve that right, it’s my narrative).

YOU: cool... let’s talk about books.

Me: Sure

YOU: so the new Chetan Bhagat book is out. It’s pretty awesome.

Me: yeah I know… I slid it under my door… saved 20 bucks on door stopper.

YOU: Alright fine... what about movies? Did you watch ‘the 2 states’, it’s based on Chetan Bhagat’s novel... I’m telling you it’s great.

Me: Really!! I must buy the dvd then... my other door needs a stopper too...

YOU: wassup with the sarcasm?

Me: Who started the jokes?

YOU: OK… there’s been too much political debate going on. I have talked a lot about it... but what the hell!! Let’s talk about elections.

Me: Cool!! So did you vote?

YOU: yeah!

Me: why?

YOU: dude! It’s my right and my responsibility and my opinion. Did you not see ‘my finger’ on facebook?? Why didn’t you like it? My 111 other friends did!!

Me: Yeah… sorry bout that… Your finger didn’t seem that appealing. Anyways… who did you vote for?

YOU: I won’t tell you that... but the chances of my party’s winning are really high… (Shit!! Did I reveal it?)

Me: Ok... so who do you think will become the P.M.?

YOU (as if on reflex): Modi.

Me: Why?

YOU: dude... there is Modi wave across the country.

Me: A few more days and there’ll be a heat wave across the country... how does that matter?

YOU: Ok… haven’t you heard about the Gujarat model?

Me: Of course I’ve HEARD of the Gujarat model, sounds amazing. What about it?

YOU: well, once he becomes P.M… he’ll implement the model all over the country.

Me: that ought to work… especially since all the states like Tripura, T.N., J&K, Bihar etc. are so similar to Gujarat?

YOU: What do you mean?

Me: It’s like this amazing t-shirt that I brought. Since it is so amazing, it not only fits me but also my dad, mom and my sister.

YOU: Ok I get your point… he’ll bring about a change in government.

Me: Of course he will… a switch from Congress to BJP… like we haven’t seen that before!!!

YOU: dude… he has really developed Gujarat and provided good governance.

Me: so has Nitish Kumar and Naveen Patnaik.

YOU: I don’t know… he is just awesome. Did you hear about the hologram speeches… I mean if that’s not innovative, then what is? And besides, the jingle is too catchy “ab ki baar Modi sarkar”… I chant it even when I am sleeping.

Me: yeah well there’s nothing like a good jingle and virtual presence to govern a country.

YOU: what are you blaming me for? All the opinion polls say that he is going to win.

ME: (speechless for a moment)

Me: Ok what about congress and Rahul… oh! Ok, I heard myself… sorry…LOL…

Me: What about Arvind Kejriwal?

YOU: I don’t know… seems like a nice guy. But he doesn’t have the experience or the capacity to form a government so why waste my vote?

Me: you said that your vote was your opinion, your preference… so why waste it indeed?

YOU: dude… he doesn’t seem like a leader… and remember how that auto driver slapped him? ... Hahahaha!!... It was freaking hilarious... Did you see his face? ROFL.

Me: yeah it was funny… who doesn’t like watching a leader being slapped now and then. Maybe he deserved it. Maybe he didn’t.

YOU: dude… he ran away from Delhi assembly. That seemed like a betrayal to me.

Me: That I agree with… it was ironic that he ran from the chair given his penchant for dharnas and sit-ins. And of course wars, riots, corruption, malnourished children and farmers committing suicide are all mundane but resigning the chair must be betrayal. Besides, he said that he resigned based on ideology.

YOU: Who has time for ideology man? Wait… woohoo!!! I just levelled up in Candy Crush.

YOU: then why did he get slapped?

Me: is he really accountable for the mood swings of every tom, dick and harry? And besides, an auto driver was able to slap him... don’t you think that shows he is much more accessible? Can you imagine Mr. Modi or Mr. Gandhi being slapped like that?

YOU: Why are you batting for Arvind Kejriwal?

Me: I’m not… I’m just talking.

YOU: you are so naïve… all you have is bookish knowledge and you believe whatever comes out in media?

Me: yeah sure… and you must be the seasoned thinker I had heard about. You form your own opinions, I guess!!

YOU:  You know what I don’t wanna talk anymore…You are too sarcastic… and smug… and cynical… and besides I hate you anyways.

Me: sure… always a pleasure talking to you! 

Few Questions Remain Unanswered

The festivities began in all earnestness. There are commentaries, analyses, quotations, arguments, counter-arguments, rumours, facts and a few outright lies. So when the dust settles in a few weeks time and the elections get over we might find a new government in power but some questions will remain unanswered for long. I would like to put forward these questions broadly under three categories.

a

        1)  Politics in parliament

 The assembly is a place where legislations are to be forwarded, debated and made into laws, keeping in mind the welfare of people at large. For the last decade or so, parliament has turned into an arena wherein bills have been torn, chairs flung, insults and abuses thrown about, and legislators being opposed for the sake of opposition. The questions that remain are whether the new government would look seriously into this matter? Would they increase the average number of hours spent in parliament doing active work, which has declined rapidly? Would we witness the sharp wit of our elected representatives at work in discussions or are they only confined to televised debates? Would the parties now coming into the assembly be tolerant or belligerent or would they simply walk off the assembly as if nothing was at stake? Would a new generation of voters, we are so proudly welcoming, catch a glimpse of intellectual prowess of holders of the highest offices of the nation or be devoid of truly brilliant speeches that our leaders are capable of?  Can the parliament be a sanctuary for reason and politics played outside of it? Would bills be debated upon or simply put forth on the guillotine?

b       2)  National dream

There have been regular talks of emerging regional powers and their growing influence at the centre. Talks of fragmentation and changing alliances are commonplace. Ideologies and their counter ideas have all been dissected and debated upon for the last six months for the umpteenth time. All these factors are however divisive in tendency. The question that emerges is: would the new government and the opposition be able to pick a common thread of unification? Would they be able to collaborate, moving beyond trivial issues, to forge a national dream, a viable vision of India of future? Would they be able to provide this country with a common dream so that one and all could strive towards it fulfillment, or would we remain fractured, each chasing one’s own tail? India is to become a super power, it is said, and each party claims that it has the capacity to drive India towards supremacy. The sheer vagueness of this term shows lack of vision. Would India become a super power with its dwindling manufacturing sector, obsolete defense, low per capita income, low human resource development etc. etc.? If yes, then can they please share the plan with us so we can cooperate and maybe dream together irrespective of our caste, sex, place of birth, religion etc.? Would the new MPs be visionary or keep stumbling on the problems of here and now?

c    

3       3)  The mettle and resolve of the MPs

All of these questions are relevant not only for the government which might come into power but should be answered by each candidate who hopes to be a legislator. The few questions that come forward in this category are not exhaustive but miscellaneous. Would the MPs, especially in the government, be bold enough to take tough decisions based on reason and the spirit of humanity? Will they decide on the water sharing agreement with Bangladesh? Would they take into consideration and deliver the people locked in 160 enclaves from inhumane conditions? Would they deal with the controversy of AFSPA or would we need more Irom Sharmilas? Would they legislate over gay rights or keep a section of society unbearably alienated? Would they amend the draconian laws like section 66 of IT Act or would disagreement put people behind bars again? Would our artists be respected and their rights honoured or would they be forced to abandon literary fests, film festivals etc.? Would women be free to think and act or would they be reminded of the ‘Bhaiya’ mantra? Would our malnourished children be fed? Would we rule or would we be ruled?

The manifestos are colourful, words fancy, ambitions high, claims tall and arguments lofty. But in this festival, will reality drown among the shouts of change?