Arranged marriage: Good economics

My elder brother once commented, “arranged marriages are just good economics”. How cynical, right? But then it struck me…What if he’s right? A human mind is designed to establish analogies, makes our lives easier. And so it was that a rush of similarities overwhelmed me. Here’s the thing, if we keep aside the emotional aspect and look at the framework of arranged marriages we find everything from brand equity to product phase out. Bear with me; even if you are married.

A parent invests in a child; let’s call it product A. His education, health, nutrition etc. all tend to add value to this product until it reaches maturity and is self-sustainable. Yes, the gestation period is long and it is generally a non performing asset till it starts earning. His achievements and failure establish his brand value which appreciates or depreciates according to the image formed in society (much like shares). This is irrespective of male or female.

The marriage situation is similar to merger and acquisition wherein generally, in our country, the parents of the bride lose equity. Though they still remain stakeholders, their voting rights are largely curbed. The process begins by a market survey and, of late, the marriage sites have acted as platforms for facilitating this survey. Feelers are sent forth through free subscription. Once the attention of the market has been gained people become paid members of these sites to gain more response. It is a price finding mechanism and quite literally marketing.

Various prospects are looked into and the suitable ones are called in for a board meeting. The board generally consists of parents, grand-parents, uncles, aunts, neighbors; their neighbors; so on and so forth. A bidding war then ensues only this time the parties losing their stakes try to outbid one another (Rs 10 lakh and a sedan; what? No!;  Rs 50 lakh and an apartment; let’s see; Rs 50 crores and an earth facing plot on moon with DTH; much better). The bride and grooms are thoroughly interrogated; let’s call it due diligence. Does he drink? Does she cook? What’s his salary? What’s her waist size? Is he close with his family? Does she have a good character? Can he ride a bike while solving a rubik’s cube in one hand and playing a flute with the other? Can she take care of the kids while attending office and take care of parents while cooking biryani? All with a smile of course.

The products A and now B are to be merged to create a marriage i.e. product C. After the alignments of stars have been checked and the position of tides verified, a date of marriage is fixed. And BTW sometimes it doesn't even matter if the two products are compatible, they are matched because they can be (Facebook acquired Whatsapp just because it could). Guests come over days before marriage in anticipation of the big launch. They are lodged in expensive hotels and provided with pretty much every- thing they desire (oh! You want scotch… here’s some, you want to meet Mr. Obama…let’s see if we can arrange that). The entire charade is basically a press junket designed to receive favorable reviews. And now even these are being outsourced to event organizers.

Various ceremonies take place before the marriage which are like important presentations before the deal is finally sealed. The products are polished to shine. People fawn over them as if their beauty had just been revealed (here for the first time in your country). All the band baaja builds up to this spectacle reaching its crescendo with the bride and groom up on the stage, garlands in hand. The stage rotates, you can practically see the launch of a shiny new car, rotating on its podium at an auto expo. The formalities are taken care by the pundits or people conducting the marriage. While all the spiritual and religious intricacies of the deal are being managed, the spectators are allowed to feast and feast they do.

The phase out begins almost from the next day and becomes rapid after the end of the honeymoon and recitation of marriage stories ad nauseam. The product is now out and known, time for the next one to arrive. It’s pretty much like the launch of the 1^st iPhone; everyone was excited but nobody really remembers now what it was like.

Can somebody hand over my management degree now?

(PS: I know it’s all morally wrong to say and what not. I am just trying to draw parallels and not establish co-linearity.)

(PPS: Bro get married, your ideas are making me silly)   

I, the non-vegetarian rapist

I was in this psychology study group and discussions were on the psychological factors causing a person to rape another. As was inevitable, one of my friends chuckled and asked if I knew that one of our ministers commented that eating non-vegetarian food increases tendencies to rape. The unfathomable absurdity of that statement could have given me tumor but I survived with a mental itch. You see, I am an engineer so I took the comment and logically extrapolated it or illogically exaggerated it; your call.

Let’s see; suppose half of the world’s population is non-vegetarian and the other half vegetarian, does that imply that half of the world is inclined to rape the other half? What about the non-vegetarians who get raped? Did they not eat enough non-veg? What about those vegetarians who rape? What are they; Anomalies? Now there are some who converted from vegetarianism to non-vegetarianism. What? They couldn’t help the rapist within them? What about those who newly became vegetarians? Have they renounced rape? Then there are eggetarians; sitting on the fence, wondering whether to rape or not. What about the massive population in India which doesn't even get food? What is their position on this perverse scale? And what about those PeTA activists urging us to go veg; Are they subconsciously pleading not to be raped?

I am a non-vegetarian and so have been a number of prime-ministers and presidents in India. Is this theory implying what I think it is? I have been eating non-veg my entire life, so am I just a bag of repressed rapist impulses? The moment I open a Zing-Kong box, am I mentally undressing my victim? The moment I bite into a fried chicken breast (god help me), am I indulging in unpardonable profanities? And gods forbid if I enjoy the meal… what does that say about my depraved nature?

To think of it there could be levels involved which could not even be imagined by Dante when he thought about hell in Inferno. Chicken soup would be your oral harassment; chicken curry could be marital rape; butter chicken is just rape dipped in violence and the worst places in hell are reserved for those who tend to like steak; How brutal are you? If I prefer a bucket over two pieces of chicken then am I secretly an incorrigible gang-banger? Is chicken-chowmein, like a combo pack of rape hormones. And do you like to try out different kinds of meat? Well, even I can’t imagine what lurks within you.

On a different note, Delhi is called the rape capital of India; I never thought that it maybe because of the awesome Kakori kebab they have. Hyderabadi dum biryani is even more renowned, how come they don’t get the same credit? KFCs might be, then, the biggest manufacturers of rapists and with them opening 2-3 stores every day I wonder how humanity would survive the onslaught. It never occurred to me that the complexity of such a behavior could be so easily explained by the science of gastronomy.

It started as a sarcastic thought but now I feel scared. Am I in servitude of my taste buds? I feel haunted by the silence of the lamb-chops and all of a sudden Cloudy with a chance of meatballs seems like a sleazy movie. My entire belief system is in tatters now. Should I remain a non-vegetarian and an aggressor or should I convert and be suppressed? I can’t write further; I have grown depressed; am on my bed in a foetal position under the sheets. How am I going to live with myself?

(PS: its comments like these and write-ups like mine that tend to trivialize rape; take humanity out of it and make it a statistic. I have no such intention and am mentioning this so such inclinations be checked immediately.)