This is an imaginary manifesto of an imaginary Angoor Aadmi
Party. It is meant as a satire and I mean no offence to any section of my
country. I do not intend to mock AAP, they mean well. I was wondering about
what a manifesto would look like if political parties stated the truth so I
decided to become a party (I have used ‘we’ to denote myself). It is not a
political campaign and I am not looking for votes.
Angoor
Aadmi Party
-We
won’t lie, just squeeze you dry.
We don’t expect you to read this (seriously, when was the
last time you read a manifesto), but go ahead… kuchh toofani kar lo…
So we have a 10 point program for the country (our original
idea) which we would like to divide in two parts and bring them out gradually
as we are perfectly aware of your attention span. We would deal with the
broader concepts and so some aspects may get neglected.
1
How would we deal with corruption: the
big question… here’s the thing, we won’t. But don’t get disheartened. Every now
and then we will establish a committee, wait for its recommendation, then
establish another committee to recommend on those recommendations. We will
raise your hopes, get you talking and just when it would seem that something
positive might emerge, we will tear up the bill. And that’s not all we’ll also
abuse lots of experts and knowledgeable people on live television just so it
feels like we are doing something. Besides, c’mon… do you really expect us to
curb corruption. We work really hard to win these seats what with all the media
manipulation and snooping around… you think it’s easy? So when we win by the
votes that you’ll give us, we assure you a corrupt government. We’ll go big and
overshadow the entire GDPs of Nepal, Bhutan, Myanmar and Sri Lanka in each of
our not so subtle corrupt acts. And making CBI autonomous!!! Are you kidding
us??? We would prefer ruling than rotting.
2)
Women issues: another biggie… yeah we
know women played a major part in our independence struggle, they have been
even more active ever since, they are home-makers, economy builders, leaders,
pioneers, scientists, our equal partners in sickness and health, 49% of
electors and what not… but seriously, we don’t care!!! It has taken us so long
to establish a patriarchal society and to subjugate you. Do you really think we’ll
empower you?? Haven’t you learnt that you will get married and vote according
to your husband’s wishes? Haven’t you seen that you-tube video of Kalki where
she clearly points out how everything is your own fault? So sit back, relax or
make a sandwich if you feel like participating. We won’t do shit!!! But do vote
for us… your vote is valuable for us.
3)
Environment: (laughing… Oh my god!! Did
we seriously put this on our manifesto!!) Ok so supposedly environment is the
in-thing nowadays so we have to have a policy about this too. So here we go… We have
a couple of ministries in the government working on environment protection (we
have no clue about them) who do some environmental impact assessment or
something like that. We assure you we’ll learn in depth about them and shut
their funding as soon as possible. Why pour tax-payers money into planting
trees or saving western-ghats or protecting our rivers? It’s not like they sustain
your lives… smart-phones do (rebate on smart-phones is promised). And why save
the tigers and elephants and the vultures (hideous creatures those!!) when we
can have luxurious societies overlooking golf-courses where we can have fun
pool parties. And pollution… c’mon people, all of you have air conditioners…
just crank it up and chill!!! As for those who can’t afford ACs… please do vote
for us, we have big multinational companies lined up so that we can provide you
with free ACs and the subsidy will be borne by those who already have ACs (Don’t
you just love a Robin Hood story). Vote for us.
4)
Foreign Investment: Our economic advisors
tell us that foreign investment is a must for growth. We know that (they have
invested fuckloads of money on us). It’s not as if you know about the
Wealth-Drain theory of Dadabhai Naoroji. But we get it, our national savings at
around 30%, we surely need to depend completely on foreign investors because we
are too lazy to formulate policies to channel this saving into investment. We’ll
allow FDI everywhere because we get embarrassed every time we project ourselves
as a super power but we don’t even have Wal-mart. We are like big supports of
everything foreign from our coffee to our underwear (We prescribe Tommy). And
in medicine too. We’ll allow everyone to set up shop in India so that our
standards get raised (We mean… c’mon a pack of Disprin for Rs 10!!! How cheap
do we want to appear?). You get the picture right?? FDI in everything… So what
if mom and pop stores close, so what if farmers get bound by contracts, so what
if food wastage increases? We will have standardised potatoes, with stickers
and all. Isn’t that the dream?
5)
Agriculture:
Dear farmers… we worship you. You are like our biggest vote bank and so
gullible that it makes us weep. See you contribute only 14% to our GDP but take
away lot in terms of fertiliser subsidy, interest subvention, compulsory
employment under various schemes etc. etc. yeah you bear a lot and produce food
while living in sub-human conditions but you are just not viable. We have to
grow at a pace of more than 10% per annum and all the subsidies are bleeding us
dry. But what can we do? We have to beg for votes so please vote for us. We’ll
visit each of the villages personally and assure you of our credibility but
please don’t make it a habit of expecting us to visit and comfort you if one of
you decides to commit suicide. It’s just bad for our image outside, please don’t
do that. And what do you need internet for? Do you even know how to spell Google
(HaHa!!)? And electricity… we don’t have it here in our headquarters (this
manifesto was written under candle light). But people you need to remember to
vote for us.
We’ll exploit you but trust us we
won’t lie to you.
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