I, the non-vegetarian rapist

I was in this psychology study group and discussions were on the psychological factors causing a person to rape another. As was inevitable, one of my friends chuckled and asked if I knew that one of our ministers commented that eating non-vegetarian food increases tendencies to rape. The unfathomable absurdity of that statement could have given me tumor but I survived with a mental itch. You see, I am an engineer so I took the comment and logically extrapolated it or illogically exaggerated it; your call.

Let’s see; suppose half of the world’s population is non-vegetarian and the other half vegetarian, does that imply that half of the world is inclined to rape the other half? What about the non-vegetarians who get raped? Did they not eat enough non-veg? What about those vegetarians who rape? What are they; Anomalies? Now there are some who converted from vegetarianism to non-vegetarianism. What? They couldn’t help the rapist within them? What about those who newly became vegetarians? Have they renounced rape? Then there are eggetarians; sitting on the fence, wondering whether to rape or not. What about the massive population in India which doesn't even get food? What is their position on this perverse scale? And what about those PeTA activists urging us to go veg; Are they subconsciously pleading not to be raped?

I am a non-vegetarian and so have been a number of prime-ministers and presidents in India. Is this theory implying what I think it is? I have been eating non-veg my entire life, so am I just a bag of repressed rapist impulses? The moment I open a Zing-Kong box, am I mentally undressing my victim? The moment I bite into a fried chicken breast (god help me), am I indulging in unpardonable profanities? And gods forbid if I enjoy the meal… what does that say about my depraved nature?

To think of it there could be levels involved which could not even be imagined by Dante when he thought about hell in Inferno. Chicken soup would be your oral harassment; chicken curry could be marital rape; butter chicken is just rape dipped in violence and the worst places in hell are reserved for those who tend to like steak; How brutal are you? If I prefer a bucket over two pieces of chicken then am I secretly an incorrigible gang-banger? Is chicken-chowmein, like a combo pack of rape hormones. And do you like to try out different kinds of meat? Well, even I can’t imagine what lurks within you.

On a different note, Delhi is called the rape capital of India; I never thought that it maybe because of the awesome Kakori kebab they have. Hyderabadi dum biryani is even more renowned, how come they don’t get the same credit? KFCs might be, then, the biggest manufacturers of rapists and with them opening 2-3 stores every day I wonder how humanity would survive the onslaught. It never occurred to me that the complexity of such a behavior could be so easily explained by the science of gastronomy.

It started as a sarcastic thought but now I feel scared. Am I in servitude of my taste buds? I feel haunted by the silence of the lamb-chops and all of a sudden Cloudy with a chance of meatballs seems like a sleazy movie. My entire belief system is in tatters now. Should I remain a non-vegetarian and an aggressor or should I convert and be suppressed? I can’t write further; I have grown depressed; am on my bed in a foetal position under the sheets. How am I going to live with myself?

(PS: its comments like these and write-ups like mine that tend to trivialize rape; take humanity out of it and make it a statistic. I have no such intention and am mentioning this so such inclinations be checked immediately.)